|Total Life Evaluation
||[Dec. 11th, 2007|10:55 pm]
|||||Smashing Pumpkins - Winterlong||]|
Well another semester is wrapping up and I think I can pretty much sum it up quite easily: lackluster. My heart just has not been into it but, despite that, my grades should be close to a 4.0. I just haven't felt too challenged and it's been hard to keep motivated. All I have left are to finish a 7-page paper (4 are done and the rest is much easier) and take a final test on the last 40 or so lines of Aeneid Book VI (kick ass work by the way). After Thursday, I hope to start subbing at least a couple days to earn some extra money. I'm also going to spend the week after Christmas in Atlanta visiting some family.
I have decided to try and spend a good part of the semester break analyzing where I am in life on a lot of issues. I have felt so miserable since I have come back to Tampa after backpacking Europe and the Middle East all summer. I just don't think that I have kept very good company and I need to find ways to branch out. In addition, I want to seriously think more about what it is that I want to do once I am done with USF. While I can see teaching being a temporary gap, I just cannot see it being a long term solution. I have no desire to deal with the bureaucracy and nasty politics that are unfortunately a part of public education. If I could just teach kids what they need to know, share some experiences, and just get to know and invest in my kids, then it would be awesome. However, dealing with things such as administration, standardized testing, and state/district mandates really sucks the life out of the profession and chases many potentially dynamic teachers away. In addition, the pay over the long haul makes it tough to do things such as pay off student loans and see the world.
I think one of the things which really has sucked the life out of me lately has been the Christian group with which I am involved. The group is positive and it has helped a lot of people, but I have also seen it consume and change (not necessarily for the better) quite a few people who completely buy into all the gimmicks that they promote. While it has helped me in my faith, I have made very few really deep connections with others. I have a few ideas of why things have not worked out but I would like to try and sort it out before I grow truly resentful and even more frustrated. While I have the chance, I am going to evaluate the priority which it will have in my life going forward. I am seriously considering taking an indefinite hiatus in order to get this in order and figure it out the right way.
I am not really sure what else I am going to examine or how it will be done. Of course, if you have a suggestion or two I would love to hear them. With the exception of the summer, this past year was been an overall disaster and I have been left in a state of disarray and confusion. There have even been times whenever I have been depressed and unable to function normally. In those instances, I have had to come home, crawl into my little shell, deal with it, and get to back to whatever life I was leading before. Since I want to try and make this whole more transparent, especially after being accused of not being open and honest in Bible Study this past semester, I am probably going to write a lot more and maybe experiment with some different things as well.
Hopefully, I can turn this thing around, finish my time at USF, and get the hell out of Tampa!
Thanks to everyone who still reads this and provides me some feedback. I take it to heart and I think the world of you for sacrificing a little bit of your time!